Sometimes I become riddled with the fear that I am incapable of love, hate and any emotion that is liable to eat me up from the inside. I am scared I’ll be a robot, without any outward display of feelings. I’m scared my Borderline Personality Disorder has become uncontrollable.
Then something bad happens.
My heart aches, and I wondered why I was so scared of not feeling, when the feeling hurts so much, I feel heavy and teary. I’m scared now of this feeling destroying me. Which is not unreasonable when you know my history.
I don’t want you to go.
I’m desperate to make something good to be held onto for him, panicking that I may not give him the chance to have that ‘once in a life-time’ opportunity. I feel useless, I feel impotent and my hands are tied. There is very little I can do to fight this unseen monster, I can shout and scream, but in the end it’s not doing much.
I am so scared of failing him, you, and everyone else. I’ve always been petrified of rejection. Not so much a curse as a sneeze caught in the back of my mouth.
Diseases of the mind creep into our consciousness, Dementia a devil that destroys everything that we could ever hold dear, and I just have to sit back and watch. How is it this is something that we still need to allow to happen? How is it that we haven’t worked out how to let people hold onto their memories and skills?
I don’t want you to go and this isn’t fair.
This situation, it highlights not only my failures but my blessings. I am so lucky to have all four Grandparents, and I knew two of my Great-Grandparents. I’ve got the full house of Family-Bingo. I am so lucky to know them and their stories of a world that is almost unrecognisable. “I remember during the war” and “In my day“. They are not just my Grandparents, they are someone’s brother, sister, someone’s mum and they are still someone’s child.
Oh how a word can become a language for that feeling, that relationship. Daughter-Mother-Grandmother and all that’s in between.
I’m scared of anything that could ever leave me without capacity for a long stretch of time. My faculties and my intelligence (if, that is, I am intelligent) are the things I hold close to my heart, the things that, if it really came down to it, I couldn’t bare to lose.
Except, the scariest thing is, at times I haven’t had capacity. The maggots in my brain started chewing the grey flesh and I wasn’t allowed to make decisions, it was proven that I was an alien in the world and couldn’t retain the information. When it is presumed that everyone has capacity until it’s proven they don’t, that’s scary, and it’s upsetting when no-one around you trusts you to even take your medication correctly.
But I’m the lucky one, Borderline Personality Disorder doesn’t strip me of my memories and skills forever, I have respite, allowing me to see the world in all it’s shining glory, and I fall in love with life all over again. I have this notion at times, that maybe all this love I hold will last forever. That maybe, I can change the world. I’m actually a very forgiving person (but this may be because I always think I deserve the bad things that happen to me).
It never lasts. Then again, neither does the sadness. I need to keep trying, I need to hold on, I’m not drowning, not just yet.
I don’t want you to go.
By the way,
I sent some original artworks to PaperGirl Blackburn, which I’m pretty happy with, the exhibition will be run at the St John’s Centre, Victoria Street between the 6th and the 16th of November, before being distributed to random passers-by. I love this idea and am in full support of the ethos behind it.